


Heart

by Crying_ram



Series: Mercury [2]
Category: Hamilton - Miranda
Genre: Character Death, F/M, Heavy Angst, M/M, Mentions of homophobia, Not Actually Unrequited Love
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-03-03
Updated: 2018-03-03
Packaged: 2019-03-26 12:06:15
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,500
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/13857444
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Crying_ram/pseuds/Crying_ram
Summary: John Laurens is amazing. He is bold, passionate, unafraid to fight for what he believes in, even if it gets him into trouble. He is loyal, the best person Alexander has ever known.John Laurens is amazing, but Alexander can not love him.





	Heart

**Author's Note:**

> Someone asked for it, now I'm delivering. Why I write this, you ask?  
> Because love does not save everything. Love does not save you. 
> 
> Loosely based on Heart by sleeping at last

John Laurens is amazing. He is bold, passionate, unafraid to fight for what he believes in, even if it gets him into trouble. He is loyal, the best person Alexander has ever known.

Even before he really gets to know him, Alexander is absolutely smitten. He looks at John, sees this rock of a person. Strong yet gentle, fierce and loud and brash, he is a wondrous storm. Alexander hates storms, but not this one; in fact, he'd willingly step into this one, would willingly step into the comfort of tan arms and kind, green eyes and let himself fall apart. 

It is these same green eyes he thinks about at his wedding. 

Elizabeth Schuyler is a fine woman, exuding poise and showing the utmost care for everyone around her. He loves her dearly, he really does, but marrying her feels like drowning. He has to, knows he does, but then he kisses her, and John looks just about ready to cry, and the pit in his stomach grows. 

As the night continues, Alexander is far too aware of the fact that he isn't sure where John has gone. He left as soon as he was done with his speech, and Alexander wants more than anything to go and find him, to hold him close and tell him he loves him, but then he remembers what would become of them if he were to do that, the price they would have to pay, and Alexander could never risk the life of his beloved like that. 

Finally, he stands from his seat beside his wife, tells her there is something he must do, and goes off to search for his love. 

He finds him outside, a bottle of red wine in his grasp, and Alex's heart breaks a little. He wraps an arm around his shoulders, pulls him close and asks what is wrong. 

Alex knows that smile, knows it is fake and wrong, wishes he could kiss away that pained expression on his beautiful face, tells himself that if he did that, it'd do more harm than good.

"If you're feeling unwell, you are more than welcome to go home. I wouldn't be cross with you, in fact, I'd prefer it if you left if something is bothering you,"He says nervously, and the flash of surprise on his friend's face makes his chest tight. 

It is gone as soon as it came, being replaced by a blinding smile.  
"No, I assure you, I am well,"John begins, and the tremor in his voice doesn't escape Alex,"why wouldn't I be? My dearest friend is married!" 

He feels his cheeks heat slightly, forces a wide smile onto his face, tries to convince himself that this is for the best, for both him and John. 

"Awe, is my dearest John jealous? Fear not, you will always be the one closest to my heart,"he laughs, knows deep down it isn't a joke at all. John says nothing, though, looks at him with empty eyes, smile widening a fraction, and Alex can't help himself when he raises his hand to cup his cheek.

John seems to startle slightly at this, cheeks becoming the prettiest shade of pink Alex has ever seen, and before he can stop himself, he leans in and presses his lips to John's. 

It is soft, warm, like being wrapped in his favorite blanket, and for the first time since his mother died, his mind goes completely silent, heart buzzing in his chest. He pulls away slowly, blinks a couple of times, almost chokes when he sees John looking down at him as if Alexander himself created the universe. 

He tries to suppress the urge to kiss him again, ultimately fails and pulls John to him again. It feels right, as if they were made to be doing this, as if they were two puzzle pieces put together at last. For just a moment, Alexander imagines what it may be like to have John as his own, to love and hold for the rest of his life. Just the thought of it makes Alexander almost dizzy with happiness, until the reality of everything suddenly slams back into him. 

He backs away from John as if he has been electrocuted, furiously wiping at his mouth. John's eyes are wide, hurt flashing in those deep pools of emerald, and Alexander hates himself fiercely in this moment. 

"I'm sorry,"is all he can manage to breathe out, and John's face falls;He can practically hear the crack of his heart, feels it being mirrored in his own chest.

"I could have loved you until my lungs gave out,"John whispers, and Alex has to choke back a sob. Why had he done such a stupid thing? He had a wife, the promise of a bright future ahead of him, one filled with children and his own political pursuits. 

So why, then, was he so unhappy with imagining Eliza as the face he came home to?

He looks to John, takes in every feature of his face; those breathtaking eyes, his tempting lips, the freckles that burn like stars on his skin. 

"I could have loved you until this whole damn world ended,"he says, and everything suddenly seems clearer. Alexander is in love with him, has been from the moment he laid eyes on him, will be until he takes his last breath. 

"Then why didn't you choose me?"John chokes out, voice smaller than he has ever heard it, and Alex is in front of him in seconds, wiping away the tears that fall down his cheeks. His mind is screaming, thoughts rushing around too quickly for him to make sense of any single one. 

"You know damn well why I couldn't,"He begins, tries to ignore the way his heart aches when John lets out a broken sob.  
"We could be killed if anyone were to discover. I can not just let that happen, I can not just put our lives on the line, I will not-"he trails off, voice cracking, and when John presses gentle kisses to his cheeks, he can't help the way the tears fall harder.  
"I refuse to put you at risk,"Alex finishes, and John gives only a small, resolute nod, one of defeat. 

It hurts, it hurts, it hurts. 

___

The world is much duller without John Laurens in it. 

It is the first thought that comes to mind when Alexander opens his eyes the next morning. He can't remember exactly when he had fallen asleep, but it had to have been some time after his wife gave him the news of the death of John.

The news washes over him once again, and Alex makes no attempt to sit up from where he lays partially face down on his desk. He let's the deep ache consume him, until he is trembling, crying out for something he can't put his finger on. 

He looks around his office, but the only color he sees is gray. The bland color surrounds him, and he wonders if his heart is even still beating. It doesn't feel as though it is, doesn't feel as if his heart is there at all. He takes in a deep breath, and it echoes. A gaping hole remains in his chest, one that used to be filled by laughter, by a brave smile and a heart of gold, by John, John, John-

What is the point in continuing to exist? Alexander finally sits up, wiping at his tears, though they refuse to stop. He wants to curl in on himself, wants to let the ground swallow him, wants to cease to exist, stop living completely. 

Wants to see his love again. 

He reminds himself that it would do no good for anyone. After all, he has his son, and Eliza, and his work. 

He reminds himself, wills himself to be satisfied with this, but his chest remains empty. He regrets, and regrets, until it drives him mad, until he is furiously tugging at his own hair. 

He should have chosen him, should have let his walls collapse, should have loved John with everything in him, even if it would have gotten them killed, he would have if he knew John would die so soon-

Should have risked everything he had. 

"When I am to die,"he breathes, words shaking, and he clasps his hands in prayer  
"Please let me see the face of my beloved again. I have made a grave mistake, took for granted the best thing to ever happen to me. Please, I beg of you, lord, let me see him when I pass. I know it is wrong, but I can't help it,"he cries, voice bordering hysterical, let's himself collapse over his desk again. 

"If you are truly forgiving, you will let me lay eyes on his face, at least once more. I love him, I love him, I love him-"

It hurts, it hurts, it hurts.


End file.
